Sadly, everything happens for a reason

Our time with this baby ended way sooner than we could have ever imagined.  You never think this kind of stuff would happen to you--taking so long to become pregnant, or having a miscarriage.  Usually they are only sad stories you hear and since you don't hear very many of them you think, "That won't be me, and I'm so glad because I wouldn't be able to handle it".  But guess what, you can handle it.  And those things happen to the people that can handle them the most.  No one knows how long the sadness will last, but everything will be ok.

We miscarried last night.

This weekend we were having a wonderful getaway in San Clemente where every summer Wades family and family friends vacation.  We pitch our tents, toast marshmallows (instead of Hershey's we tried Reese's!)  and become red as lobsters.  Wade went a day early and got everything ready as I had to work.  I was able to get Saturday off and thank goodness because I was doing 1 to 2 hours of overtime everyday.  The tent was already set up and wow does Wade go all out!  I swear our tent could sleep 10 people comfortably.  He puts a fan in there, and there was some fake grass in the entryway.

I felt completely fine and extremely excited!

Saturday I went for a run with Wades dad and our friend Amber.  It was gorgeous.  That night Wade and I took pictures in the sunset with his brother Jared and wife Meagan.

Sunday we were out on the beach for about 5 hours.  I slept most of it since that is what I did best lately, with a towel over me so I wouldn't burn because I heard that pregnant people get burnt very easily.  Wade played Frisbee the whole time and was in and out of the water.  I desperately wanted to play in the waves but there were so many stingrays.  We heard of 2 people getting stung in the past 2 days we were there and I didn't want to risk it with the baby.

We took showers after and I took a nap. 

When I woke up I went to the restroom and that's when I noticed the spotting for the first time.  It was brown and I felt like it was a lot considering there shouldn't be any.  My heart dropped and I knew something was wrong.  I feel horrible for not telling Wade right away but I decided to call my doctor right then just to make sure.. Because if it was something I shouldn't worry about then I wouldn't have to worry him.  I heard of this happening but since I didn't experience spotting when I initially missed my period I was preparing for the worst.

Since it was Sunday and my doctors office was closed I was transferred to a nurse that asked me a series of questions: Did I have a fever, how much blood, what color, have I fainted or passed out, am I cramping or in any type of pain, etc.. Since all my answers were "no" I was feeling a little better.  He then asked me if I was pale and I had no idea.  I was in the sun all day but did not get any color so I told him that I might be.  He told me to go to Urgent Care and gave me the address to the nearest one, and told me to bring a towel just in case..  Since it was already 6:30pm we needed to leave quickly because we had to drive all the way back to Huntington to go to one that already had my information in the system.

Wade threw some of our stuff in the car and then his brother and dad gave me a blessing.  I listened carefully when Wade said the blessing, but there wasn't anything said about the baby.  Just that everything would go well and that I would have the strength for this.  Today Wade told me that that is when he knew this baby wouldn't make it; he wanted to say that the baby would be ok but somehow he couldn't.

We didn't wait long in Urgent Care.  When they brought me to the back they took down some information about how I was feeling and which medications I was taking (just prenatal pills) and had me pee in a cup to check for a UTI, even though I felt totally fine.  No pain at all.  There wasn't more spotting when I did the urine sample so I thought things were looking up.  Once the doctor came in I could tell all he wanted to do was to go home.  He wasn't even in scrubs.  He was wearing cargo pants and he couldn't remember his password to the computer.  Basically he made me feel like I was worrying about nothing, and also said that if this was a miscarriage there are no tests so it's a waiting game.  Really??!  He asked me if I was in pain and I honestly wasn't sure.  I run marathons and that's painful.  So when someone asks me if I'm in pain I always compare it to that so usually the answer is no.  He decided to press on my belly to see if I had pain but once he found out that I had an ultrasound already and saw the heartbeat he stopped examining me because if I already knew it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy (when the egg implants in the fallopian tubes) then I was fine and spotting happens.  I wanted to smack him so hard.  I do not recommend going to Urgent Care if you are worried you are miscarrying because they don't specialize in babies.  We walked out of there and I was so angry.  I was going on about how this was a huge waste of time and how that guy was an idiot and Wade had to shush me.

There was more spotting when I got home.

So Monday (yesterday) I called my doctors office and made an appointment to meet with a nurse practitioner, Rosie.  It was frustrating that I could never actually speak to my doctor.  I met with Rosie at 9:30am.  Again she asked me if I was in pain and how much blood there was and what color.  It was only a little bit, a light brown.  If it's bright red there is much concern but if it's dark red or brown that's ok.  I still wasn't in pain.  I guess my OB, Dr. Eno was in the building so Rosie went to ask her what she recommended.  They decided to send me to Los Coyotes Imaging Center to get ultrasounds so they knew exactly what was happening.  I was to go in at 4pm with a full bladder.

While I was there the ultrasound tech first looked at the baby from my belly, pressing hard on my bladder.  I didn't care what I had to go through because I would do anything to find out what was happening.  Wade was at the foot of the bed with his hand on my leg.  I was happy he was there.  Now the ultrasound techs can't tell you a single thing, but she was squinting a lot and tilting her head from side to side.  She kept moving the scope around my bladder for what seemed like 30 minutes and in that time I felt like I started to miscarry--the cramps were starting.  She said she needed to do an internal ultrasound but that I could use the restroom first.

There was so much bright red blood.

 I was in tears, and the poor ultrasound tech felt horrible, I could tell.  She gave me tissues and apologized for needing to take an internal ultrasound.  Wade had to leave the room.  The internal ultrasound lasted forever.  I was in so much pain from the cramps that I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stop shaking which made her job harder.  After about 20 minutes she had everything she needed and when she pulled the probe out she said, "oh.. you're bleeding".  I felt hopeless.  Once I got dressed they said to call my doctors office in an hour for the results, but my doctors office had already closed a few minutes before.

We drove home and got there about 5:15pm.  I went in the bathroom and passed everything..  I was balling..  I was in so much pain.  My body hurt and my heart hurt.  I wanted this baby so bad.  By about 5:45pm it was all over.  It all happened so fast.  The cramps were gone and I was laying on the bed in tears.  Wade came over and wrapped his arms around me.  We laid there for a few seconds and I told him I wanted to do something.  He asked if I wanted to go to the movies and I said yes.

While he looked up movie times I called my mom, whom I had been updating throughout this whole ordeal.  She, like Wade, said that nothing has been confirmed yet and that I should wait till the morning to find out if I miscarried.  I told her I already knew, but still, there was a sliver of hope there that I really wanted to hold onto.  I asked her to call everyone and tell them what happened because it would be harder for me if other people were sad too.

So Wade and I ended up going to Chili's.

Today I called and talked to Dr. Eno.  She said that the heartbeat was not detected during the ultrasound and that even though I was 9 1/2 weeks, the baby only measured 7 1/2 or 8 weeks which means the heart stopped beating over a week ago.  She had me go in at 10:45am to check my uterus and make sure everything was out.

I only had a few clots left over, my body was able to go through the process without any extra help.  She wanted my hormones to remove the clots themselves instead of proscribing me a medication to do it for me so she only prescribed me Norco and Motrin.

I asked Dr. Eno why this happened and she said the same thing that my mom was saying: we will never know why this happened.  My hormones were great, we saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks, I was working out a little less than what she said was ok for me, etc..  Sometimes there is a chromosomal anomaly where natural selection comes into play.  Some babies aren't suppose to be born and that's ok.  20% of women miscarry between week 7 and 12.  Wade was telling me that what ever happens is suppose to happen and he's right.

It's hard to believe that this happened to me.  I still can't fully grasp that I don't have a little bean growing inside me anymore and each morning, for a while when I remember, my heart will break all over again.  I take comfort in the fact that I'm completely ok physically, and that so many people close to me (I came to realize in the past 2 days) have had multiple miscarriages and went on to have multiple, beautiful babies.

I couldn't stay home and I had to tell the people who know about the pregnancy.  Right after the appointment today Wade and I went to lunch and then we saw Spiderman 2.  When we got home our apartment was spotless!!  Our fridge was full of homemade food, our sheets were washed, there was a gift bag on my table, and a note from my aunt!  I called her right away and she hadn't driven far so she turned around and we spent the rest of the day together.  I am so grateful for her and the many hours she spend cleaning our filthy apartment..  I also came home to a card and flowers from my favorite 2 year old twins in the world, and my sister brought me a cupcake.  Tomorrow is my last day off, so my mom is going to spend it with me.

I feel blessed to have such an amazing family and amazing friends.  The support makes everything more bearable.

One of the texts from my mom said, "This is so hard.  I'm just so glad you told me the minute you found out you were pregnant.  I feel like I got to enjoy every second."

I'm so happy I was able to experience the past 2 months and for the joy the little bean brought to everyone that knew.  I will never forget that little baby.