You never really know how to handle it, but focusing on the next step is the only thing you can do.
Ok, the heart isn't beating. I had two options: 1. Insert some pills to simulate dilation and miscarry at home, or 2. Have a D and C which stands for Dilation and Curettage. A D and C is a mini surgery that only takes 15-20 minutes. They go in a scrape the uterus. I didn't know what to do, and it sounded like the less risky choice was the D and C, because first I chose to miscarry at home and my Dr kept saying things that could happen, and to come in right away if they did. She was going to be performing surgeries at the hospital the next day anyway, and she fit me in. Honestly it felt like less of a loss doing the D and C. I didn't feel a thing. I don't know if it's because this is our second miscarriage or because the way I miscarried was different, but this time was definitely better. I had a lot of unanswered questions last time, and I didn't know what was going on. This time was better.
After that the next thing to do is figure out why this happened twice by getting genetic testing done. Dr Eno touch briefly on the subject and said that we would talk about it at a different time, once we take care of the current task.
Now for our pregnancy number 2 story
We got pregnant six months after our first miscarriage! I was so happy!!! I tested positive a couple days before my missed period, on my dads birthday, January 27th and found out the due date would be my moms birthday, October 15th. How perfect! I always wanted an October baby. It was too good to be true.
The day of my missed period I got a horrible fever and ended up being sick for a week. I was given antibiotics that I had to take 3 times a day for 10 days. Because of that, I got a yeast infection. I hate antibiotics.
At my first appointment they drew tests and confirmed that there was a little bean growing!
A couple weeks later, at 6 or 7 weeks I started spotting. I was terrified. I left work in a rush and my PA was able to fit me into his schedule. There was a little heartbeat and he said everything was fine! That is when I saw the heartbeat for the first time. He said if the spotting lasted, or there were clots, to come right back in.
Two days later I went in because there were a few clots. I never felt cramping, but there were definite clots and spotting. It was very light but it was there. He pulled up my baby on the monitor and everything was still okay! Dr. Eno was there and confirmed that my cervix was closed so there was nothing to worry about. They didn't know why I was spotting.
It stopped after 1 week and it didn't happen again.
At 8 weeks (I thought I was 9 according to my very first appointment) Wade and I went together for a routine visit to see and hear the heartbeat! There were little arms and legs beginning to show and Wade was so surprised. He thought it was going to be a blob of cells. Nope! Even at 8 weeks beans resemble a little tiny human.
He was so excited he wanted to go to Target to buy something for the baby. We bought some elephant onesies and a little teddy bear.
Starting at 4.5 weeks I felt super sick. This lasted 7 weeks, all the way up to my D and C. I never threw up, but it was a horrible sickness, combined with extreme starvation even while I was in the act of eating every 20 minutes. It was crazy! I kept crackers, apple sauce, pumpkin seeds, granola bars, orange juice, water, preggie pops, little bags of trail mix, and mints at my desk. I was constantly eating. Because of my diet I actually lost 4 pounds. Not sure if it's completely due eating frequent, small meals, or if it was the loss of muscle mass because I chose not to run during the first trimester of this pregnancy.
I also started wearing maternity clothes at 9 weeks because I was beginning to show. At this point we thought we were in the clear, because we were farther along than last time.
Wade renovated our bathroom over his Spring Break and had two more big projects planned before the baby got here. Remodeling the kitchen and putting in new carpet. I love our new bathroom. It would have been perfect for the baby.
We rearranged our room last week so that we could fit all the baby stuff on one side of the room, and our stuff went into our walk in closet and our bed was pushed against the other wall. Everything was going to fit and it was going to look great!
I called my mom and invited her a month in advance to my appointment on March 23rd. She was there when we found out the heart stopped beating. I was the first one to say something. I said, "there isn't a heart beat" and Dr. Eno said "it doesn't look like it.. I'd like to get another doctors opinion before I confirm this." I felt my moms hand on my head. She barely made it to the appointment on time--she sat in like 2 hours of traffic to get there, and I didn't know at first if I was glad she made the trip or thought it was a waste of her time. But I soon realized I was beyond grateful for her. Her and Wade made the decision about the D and C when I picked to miscarry at home. I was in tears and covering my face and didn't want to make the decision on how to get my baby out of me. I wanted it in there.
Like I said before, Dr. Eno fit me in to her surgery schedule with no problem. I was grateful. It was at noon which means she was probably skipping her lunch break. After the appointment she wanted us to go to Los Coyotes Imaging Center for ultrasounds, like last time. I think she wanted it confirmed again and I think she wanted clear images of my uterus for the surgery. She gave me a hug, then I had my blood drawn, and then we left.
With a full bladder they checked my motionless bean. The ultrasounds there last 30 minutes! I don't like it at all, but it was definitely better than my first experience of practically miscarrying on the table.
I couldn't eat past midnight, and I had to show up to Long Beach Memorial at 930am for a 12pm procedure. I mom was there too, with Wade. I was so happy. I felt bad for the two days of law school Wade missed, but he wanted to be there.
When they took me to the back, they had me take all my clothes off and told me to put one robe on the front and one robe on like a regular robe. They had me put on compression socks (which are the greatest creation) and regular socks over them. Then the nurse took me to a room where I would be prepped for surgery. I started to cry a little when they wanted me to lay in the hospital bed, and the nurse hugged me. Every person I came into contact there was unbelievably nice. I couldn't believe it.
A different nurse drew my blood and another nurse started my IV and asked me a lot of questions. They asked me the same questions 4 different times. After an hour my mom and Wade were allowed to sit with me while we waited for Dr. Eno to go over the procedure, the anesthesiologist, and the nurse that would be there for the surgery as well. They came at separate times and explained everything really well and made sure I didn't have any questions.
Before they came in my mom and Wade were telling me stories of what happened in the waiting room when I wasn't there. I guess someone told my mom she needed to either throw away her iced coffee or drink it somewhere else because all the patients in the waiting room were fasting and it wasn't fair to them. Haha.
Oh and Wade didn't eat until I could.. But I guess I cheated because they gave me apple juice when I was in recovery.
The last person to see us before they wheeled me away was the anesthesiologist. He put something in my IV so that I wouldn't be nervous to go into the OR. My mom said that when the liquid went into my vein I said "wwwoooowwww". I don't remember that. I remember her asking how I felt and that got me talking.. Unfortunately. I kept saying that I was going to try and stay awake for as long as I could, and I kept asking to see what the longest amount of time someone stayed awake because I wanted to beat it. I also remember asking a lot of questions like that and not waiting for the answers. Once I was in the OR they had me help them put my body on a different table, and my arms had to go in these arm holders. I saw one stirrup for one of my legs and then I was out. I didn't even know who was in the room.
Right before I was drugged I remembered that I wanted to thank Dr. Eno for fitting me into her schedule. 20 minutes later Wade said that Dr. Eno went out in the waiting room to tell him that everything went great! I bled hardly at all and there were no complications. She also told him that I was the sweetest because I was concerned if she was able to eat lunch. I don't even remember seeing her at all! I guess I thanked her while I was out.
When they wheeled me to the recover room I remember waking up a little. I was asking a lot of questions and trying to remove the oxygen that was covering my mouth while they were trying to take my blood pressure. They were like, keep your arm down, and I would reach for my oxygen to say sorry and then they would tell me to put my arm down, and then I would reach for my oxygen to thank them and they would remind me to put my arm down... Super embarrassing now that I look back on it. I remember asking them things like, "were you able to get my legs up?" and, "how did you get me back on this bed? I'm so heavy!" And, lastly, which I'm pretty sure I said but try to convince myself that I didn't say was, "where is it? Can I see it? Is she going to run tests on it?" Meaning the baby. And I'm pretty sure they were saying yes.
My reaction to the drugs was better than the guy across from me, who was barfing his brains out..
I woke up at 12:45 and started crying. There was a curtain that was slightly closed and a lot of people running around. One nurse asked me what was wrong but I think I was still out of it because another nurse responded that it was just the hormones, and she got me some tissue. I woke up again around 1pm and tired to stay awake so that I could go home sooner. They gave me antibiotics through my IV and said that I needed to take 1 antibiotic later at midnight. Once the antibiotics were in me they wanted me to get up and pee. I walked to the bathroom just fine. I think they were afraid I was going to faint. When I peed it was the worst. It hurt so bad I cried out. When I walked back to my bed they replaced it with a reclining chair and Wade came in. We sat there for 45 minutes. I had to stay until I wasn't bleeding very much. I was actually surprised at how little I bled and how much pain I wasn't in.
She checked me and I was good to go! I peed again and it wasn't painful.
My mom went home and we went home and watched some TV. I wasn't in any pain, and even today I'm not, and the bleeding has stopped.
I told Wade that I was excited to find out what's wrong with us by getting tested. He said, "me too!" and then there was a long pause and he said, "I hope we aren't related". Haha.
He keeps asking how I am, emotionally, and I'm pretty sure I'm fine. I told him that I haven't had a baby, so miscarrying is the only thing I know. Yeah it's sad, but I won't know what it's like to have a baby until I have one.
I am so grateful for all the support I had, and for the patience everyone has had and will have to have with me. I am going to try to act normal and be normal, but right now I'm not sure how that's suppose to go. I have shifted my focus to something non-baby and I'm hoping I can figure things out. Everything happens for a reason, and I want to take this time to see if I am in the place I am suppose to be.
And in 3 months we might try again.
No comments:
Post a Comment