Boy or girl?

This was the craziest summer of my life.  The happiest and the saddest.

I planned on finding out my 15th or 16 week whether we were having a boy or a girl.  It would have been this week.  I still don't have a preference.

I want to have another baby, but it is hard to think about because that is exactly what it is: another baby.  I wanted this one so bad.  When you are pregnant you imagine the rest of your life with that growing bean, and when it doesn't happen, it feels like something huge is missing and you have to rethink your whole future.  I have filled that void with work and school and I am doing just fine, but sometimes I can't stop crying and it'll sneak up on you when you least expect it.  When you find out that people close to you are pregnant you will be so happy for them but you will feel heartbroken at the same time, no matter how hard you try to focus on the happy.  It will be out of your control.  It will take time.  Those who have lost babies aren't alone and there are people out there that feel the same way you do.

I talked to my mom yesterday and she asked me how I was doing and I couldn't stop the tears.  I said I was ok and that everything was going to be ok and she said "Caley you don't have to be ok.  It is a sad thing that happened and it sucks and it doesn't have to be ok."  She says that she wishes she could do something to help me feel better, but telling me it's ok to still be sad even though it's been over a month makes me feel SO much better.  I try to get over things quickly because I base experiences off of the facts: it happened, it's over, time to move on.  I know this is Wades mentality too.  He wants to completely forget about this because I get sad and when I'm sad he doesn't know what to do, but there is no way I can forget.  I don't want to!  I want it to be a happy memory because up until that weekend, it was.  I had my friend make a doodle of the quote I posted here a couple blog entries ago.  She made it look fun and happy:

Doodle by: Sandy Williams

I have decided to make this blog public.  Hearing other peoples stories helped me more than anyone will ever know, and I want to do the same.  I read the other day that 1 in 4 girls will miscarry.  If my story could comfort one or two of them, like others have for me, it would mean the world to me. 

It takes 21 days to make a habit

I refuse to make a habit of being sad.   

Following a week of miscarrying came a week of two 12 hour shifts and three 10's, and my body was exhausted.  The body does a lot of repairing itself while we sleep and I have to say I am near 100% thanks to 8-10 hours of sleep every night plus 3 hour naps everyday in Colorado.  If you follow me on instagram, here is just a recap of last week (this is mostly for me, so I remember how amazing this vacation was).

Day 2:

We didn't do anything really..  We went and saw Lucy, so here is a picture of a hummingbird that I took at the cabin:

 

Day 3: 

We went fishing and didn't catch a thing!

However we caught these two sleeping on the job:

Day 4:

We stayed in I think..  Took a walk in the morning and enjoyed a lazy day in the mountains.  Oh yeah and visited my grandparents friends new log mansion down the road:

                                                                          Day 5:

We went on a 6 mile hike up Missionary Ridge!  The elevation did not affect me much--while I was pregnant I could not get a deep enough breath in, even while I was sitting.  Needless to say, this hike did not kill me.  My grandma said "now you'll go to work and you'll think about the time we went on this hike".  I already have and it already made me happy.

 

The Queen Anne's Lace is my favorite.

Here is another hummingbird picture:

 Day 6:

Is when Cortney and Chandler joined us!  We went floating down the Animus River!  The water was brown because of all the thunderstorms.

  

And then we went downtown to the melodrama, which was really a good time.

 During our drive home we ran into over 7 thunder storms.  Wade drove the entire way without one complaint!  He said he wanted to see if he could do it, but I think it's because he doesn't trust my driving.  Either way, I win!

I could not have asked for a better week!